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Taming Your Outer Child: Overcoming Self-Sabotage and Healing from Abandonment, by Susan Anderson
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Take Control of Your Life
Chances are, you’ve already had run-ins with your Outer Child — the self-sabotaging, bungling, and impulsive part of your personality. This misguided, hidden nemesis blows your diet, overspends, and ruins your love life. Your Outer Child acts out and fulfills your legitimate childlike needs and wants in the wrong place, at the wrong time, and in counterproductive ways: It goes for immediate gratification and the quick fix in spite of your best-laid plans.
Now, in a revolutionary rethinking of the link between emotion and behavior, veteran psychotherapist Susan Anderson offers a three-step program to tame your Outer Child’s destructive behavior. This dynamic, transformational set of strategies — action steps that act like physical therapy for the brain — calms your Inner Child, strengthens your Adult Self, releases you from the self-blame and shame at the root of Outer Child issues, and paves new neural pathways that can lead to more productive behavior. The result is happiness, fulfillment, self-mastery, and self-love.
- Sales Rank: #17533 in Books
- Published on: 2015-02-17
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 8.80" h x .70" w x 5.90" l, .70 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 296 pages
Review
“An enormous help to anyone looking to let go of past disappointments and self-recrimination and get on with the essential work of healing, building boundaries, and acquiring the skill to reach your goals.”
— John Bradshaw, #1 New York Times bestselling author of Homecoming
“With a program designed to undo primal fears, [Anderson] tackles such topics as lowered self-esteem, lovesick feelings, food urges, diet, chronic depression, procrastination, heartache, and a primary source of conflict with relationships, ‘enormous emotional suction cups.’ She also examines brain activity and factors preventing the body's production of such ‘yummy neurochemicals’ as oxytocin and vasopressin....[R]eaders under stress who are desperate for help will view this book as a valuable tool for healing.”
— Publishers Weekly
“Groundbreaking.”
— PsychologyToday.com
“Shows that self-defeating behavior can be changed without in-depth examination and resolution....A helpful scenario, requiring determination and commitment, for dealing with difficult issues. This will appeal to readers seeking change.”
— Library Journal
“The outer child is a bratty, angry drama queen who is responsible for unhealthful and unwanted behavior, according to the book. Anderson's three-prong outer child recovery program consists of dialoguing, guided visualization and action steps. The second half of the book addresses special applications for the program, such as dieting, procrastination, debt and depression.”
— The Washington Post
About the Author
Psychotherapist Susan Anderson, founder of the abandonment recovery movement, has thirty years’ experience working with the victims of trauma, grief, and loss. The author of The Journey from Abandonment to Healing (over 100,000 copies sold), she offers workshops throughout the world and lives in Huntington, New York.
Most helpful customer reviews
23 of 23 people found the following review helpful.
Most important thing I've ever done in my life: reading this. SERIOUSLY.
By daedalus
I have to say I'm grateful beyond words to this book, and to the author. The author brings tools to separate our feelings from our behaviors, so that we can act on our best interests despite cravings, fears, or other issues. More importantly, it brings many other tools to make these feelings rise to the surface in a way we are perfectly equipped to deal with, WITHOUT having to dwell in our past for hours.
For many of us, our feelings and needs are there and have been there, laying hidden underground, for many many years. If that is your case, this is your chance to rise up to the challenge of healing from the inside out, while at the same time you reach your dearest goals. It is possible! You have to put in some work, of course, but there is no magic pill for anything in life.
Keep in mind, I'm as skeptical as they come, and it takes many positive results in order for me to build trust in anything. This book EVEN uses the feelings of doubt and helplessness in you favor! (But I won't tell you how they do that, you must buy the book first, ha). And it has definitely won my trust, my faith, and is now the most important tool I have at my disposal to aim for a higher future.
12 of 12 people found the following review helpful.
Why do we do self-defeating things like procrastinate? We say yes to one more volunteer ...
By Paula W. Graham
Why do we do self-defeating things like procrastinate? We say yes to one more volunteer job when we have a book we long to write. We dust and vacuum a room we just cleaned when we have a painting to start. When we self-sabotage – distracting ourselves with busyness or by procrastinating – we blame, call ourselves names and end up feeling ashamed. We say we want to move forward, but can’t take our foot off the parking brake. What is going on here?
Psychotherapist and author Susan Anderson says in Taming Your Outer Child: Overcoming Self Sabotage and Healing from Abandonment that these self-sabotaging behaviors come from an aspect of our personalities that most people aren’t consciously aware of – their Outer Child.
Outer Child?
Can you picture yours? Think terrible twos, brat, rebel, impulsive, the essence of You Can’t Make Me. Picture hands on hips/scowl on face or tongue out/thumbs in ears with fingers wagging. Nanny Nanny Boo Boo. “The Outer Child,” says Anderson, “is a psychological concept that I have identified to describe the part of your personality that acts out your Inner Child’s feelings in self-defeating ways, without giving you, the Adult in charge, a chance to intervene.”
The Inner Child lives in a womb of feelings while the high-octane Outer Child is all about behavior-- acting out, pulling out all the stops to get what it wants, whether that is saying NO with heels dug or dissipating energy in counter-productive activities. When triggered, Outer acts out Inner Child’s feelings. Over the years it has developed its own patterns. One might be procrastinating or throwing a temper tantrum or inhaling the entire bag of chips.
What a relief to realize we are more than our emotional inner child or brash outer rebel. By working Anderson’s Outer Child Program to separate these enmeshed energies, we can give ourselves love and esteem as we assume the role of Adult—trusted, strong, compassionate, loving, imaginative – to mediate the much younger energies that have unconsciously directed our behavior. We can become the wise parent, caring for and calling upon the energy and sensitivity of both younger parts of ourselves while setting limits on unacceptable behavior. By making the Outer Child, Inner Child and Adult Self three separate personalities, we can create healthy, productive ways to make change and move forward as a united team.
Taming Your Outer Child offers a three-pronged cognitive-therapy based program for stopping the Outer Child’s self-defeating behaviors that gratify in the moment but hurt over the long term. In part one of her book, Anderson explains the Outer Child framework and helps readers take a personal inventory of their Outer Child tendencies. In Part Two, she introduces techniques that help resolve the underlying source of self-sabotage—inner feelings and needs that have been long neglected. In Part Three, she shows readers how to apply the exercises to pressing issues of their lives. For those readers who lean toward doodling and/or using energy therapies like Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT/tapping) to work with inner energies, Anderson’s Outer Child framework offers a great way to appreciate all these parts of ourselves.
Just the act of naming the Outer Child provides such wondrous relief. Tamed? Not quite. You might say we’re a work-in-progress. First came the uncomfortable effort of taking Outer’s inventory. Next the process of freeing of Inner’s deeply-entrenched emotions. After completing the Turn Around activity, where Outer turned around to listen to Inner while Adult stood by just in case, energy began to shift. Might there be a better phrase than work-in-progress to capture the essence of where my Inner, Outer and Adult are on this journey to tame procrastination? Wait, I’ll go ask the kids. . . Agreed: we’re off auto-pilot with no back-seat driver, happily, if imperfectly, taking steps in the direction of our dreams.
16 of 17 people found the following review helpful.
Brilliant--simply the best book on recovering from childhood wounds, overcoming a legacy of self-sabotage and self-actualizing
By CynthiaSF
I cannot say enough good things about "Taming Your Outer Child: Overcoming Self-Sabotage and Healing from Abandonment." Susan Anderson is a brilliant theoretician and psychotherapist. The book contains the wisdom of her thirty+ years of experience working with victims of trauma, grief and loss. It compassionately explains how our psyche can be understood via our Inner Child, Outer Child and Adult Self. It goes on to clearly delineate how to strengthen our Adult Self, nurture our Inner Child and set limits for our Outer Child. The book moves beyond insight and catharsis to enlightened action. It includes a goal-oriented action plan for realizing our visions and becoming our Higher Self. If you can only read one book on behavior change, this is it!
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